Strength of Character

as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, willingly serving the Lord and not men, knowing that each will be requited from the Lord for whatever good he does.
Ephesians 6:1-9

Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter but will not be strong enough.
Luke 13:22-30

Life traumatizes all of us. ... like Sarah, our job is to withstand the laughter of others, in spite of our suffering, and to learn to laugh at ourselves.
Heather King

CCC 142-149 Throughout her life and until her last ordeal when Jesus her son died on the cross, Mary's faith never wavered. She never ceased to believe in the fulfillment of God's Word. CCC 149

How can I have enough strength to last in my convictions as a Christian to the end of my days, when sometimes I don't have the strength to last until the end of the current day? How do I find the strength of Sarah, of Mary, to withstand all the shit dealt out by the circumstances of life?

Yeah, life sucks a lot of the time, to be sure. And my spiritual life lacks a lot as well. How do I keep from turning so into myself that I lose the strength of my convictions any time temptation or hardship comes a'knockin' at my door? It's easy to say 'emulate Mary' in theory, but in the doing is where it falls apart. How did she 'keep all these things in her heart' and not turn brittle and weak?

Reminder of the Holy Souls in Purgatory

Don't forget that every day in November to pray for a specific soul in purgatory. I'll be posting on that every day, but here's the page, and full list below. Pray an Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be, and Eternal Rest for each specific soul.

Starting November 1:

1 - the soul whose liberation from Purgatory would give Mary the most honor
2 - the soul whose liberation from Purgatory would give God the most glory
3 - the soul who was most abusive to their fellow man
4 - the soul who sinned most because of pride, vanity
5 - the soul who sinned most because of malicious gossip, slander
6 - the soul who sinned most because of oaths, curses, taking our Lord's name in vain
7 - the soul who most offended God through sins of the flesh
8 - the soul who has been in Purgatory the longest
9 - the soul who was least responsive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit
10 - the soul who was most indifferent to the needs of others
11 - the soul most discouraged in earthly life
12 - the souls of teenagers who yielded to the immorality of modern society
13 - the soul who is in most urgent need of our prayers
14 - the soul undergoing the most suffering
15 - the soul most devoted to your patron saint
16 - the souls of priests and other religious men and women
17 - the souls who have sinned most against humanity through genocide, abortion, infanticide, euthanasia
18 - the soul who sinned most because of the misuse of modern media
19 - the soul who sinned most because the misuse of power and influence
20 - the souls who have turned away from their Catholic Faith
21 - the soul most abandoned
22 - the soul who has been in Purgatory the shortest
23 - the soul for whom I am bound to pray
24 - the soul who has sinned most against their spouse
25 - the soul who has sinned most against their children
26 - those souls who have taken their own lives
27 - the least penitent soul in Purgatory
28 - the soul least thankful for their Guardian Angel
29 - the soul who was least prepared to die
30 - the soul most like me

In All Fairness

Cleansing her by the bath of water with word, that he might present to himself the Church in splendor.
Ephesians 5:2a, 25-32

When (the mustard seed) was fully grown, it became a large bush and the birds of the sky dwelt in its branches.
Luke 13:18-21

Faith, simply put, is our being obedient to what God has revealed to us to be true.
Fr. James Sullivan

Faith is intertwined with obedience; obedience intertwined with discipline. The fruit of discipline is obedience; the fruit of obedience is faith; the fruit of faith will be felt throughout my life and those with whom I interact in my life.

But obedience is not easy. (Duh.) My problem with obeying God is the same kind of problem my daughter has obeying my husband and me. Any time I ask my daughter to do something (unless she is in a good mood & willing to do what we ask), she talks back, argues, and makes excuses. She'll say, "But I just want to do x,y,z" or "I'll just finish up doing x,y,z" or "But it's not fair!"
     Oh, how many times do I say any and all of the above to God, and more. Except unlike my daughter, who does it because she doesn't understand, I do it because I don't always trust that God knows what's good for me and my life. I want to make excuses, I want to do anything other than God's will, I want to tell Him that it's not fair that I should have to do His will.

So first, we work on discipline. Then obedience. Then faith has a strong foundation.

Slavery to Sin

Let no one deceive you with empty arguments, for because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the disobedient.
Ephesians 4:32-5:8

This daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has bound for eighteen years now, ought she not to have been set free on the sabbath day from this bondage? 
Luke 13:10-17

The great immovable mountain is thus an image for the recalcitrant presence of evil. ... The miniscule mustard seed then portrays the irresistible force of faith, which can pry loose and evict such a monster without even lifting a finger.
Fr. Anthony Giambrone

CCC 128-133 The Church 'forcibly and specifically exhorts all the Christian faithful...to learn the surpassing knowledge of Jesus Christ by frequent reading of the divine Scriptures.' Ignorance of the Scriptures is ignorance of Christ. (CCC 133)

I think sometimes that I feel more free in my slavery/bondage than I do when I'm actually free from mortal sin. But feeling free isn't the same as actual freedom. It's an empty promise that never makes good. If I only had the faith to remember what happens every time I fall for the empty promises of the devil - I am ensnared once again. Abraham had the faith that changed him. The long suffering woman in the Gospel has faith that ultimately changes her.

Is it because I lack knowledge of Christ, or because I don't act like the knowledge matters?

Begging for Mercy

Shout with joy...exult...proclaim your praise and say: The Lord has delivered his people.
Jeremiah 31:7-9

Bartimaeus, a blind man, sat by the roadside begging. He began to cry out, "have pity on me...have pity on me."
Mark 10:46-52

God demands the same life-changing faith of us" (as of Abraham).
Fr. George Rutler

CCC 120-127 "The Word of God, which is the power of God for salvation to everyone who has faith, is set forth and displays its power in a most wonderful way in the writings of the New Testament" which hands on the ultimate truth of God's revelation.
 CCC 124

A life-changing faith moves us to beg for mercy, to beg for the chance to praise God for delivering us from ourselves. When is the last time I was so moved by the Scriptures and so moved by Christ that I begged him for mercy for all of my sins? Too long, I'm afraid.

To Whom Do I Commit Myself?

to mature manhood to the extent of the full stature of Christ, ... we should grow in every way into him. Ephesians 4:7-16

if you do not repent, you will all perish as they did! Luke 13:1-9

Into your hands I commend my soul.
Blessed Charles de Foucauld

CCC 115-119 We can acquire a more profound understanding of events by recognizing their significance in Christ...The events reported in Scripture ought to lead us to act justly...We can view realities and events in terms of their eternal significance, leading us toward our true homeland. (CCC 117)

If I refuse to grow into Christ, am I ready to suffer the consequences of my refusal? Do I not want to be able to tell God, at the end of my life, I put my soul into your hands? I shouldn't even wait for the end of my life, I need to do so now - for that is part of growing into Christ. There is eternal significance in what Jesus says to me - if I don't turn away from sin, and put my soul into his hands, then I will perish forever.

Do I Believe?

to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, ... bearing with one another through love.
Ephesians 4:1-6

You hypocrites! ... Why do you not know how to interpret the present time?  Luke 12:54-59

Similarly, if we want to deepen our Faith,
we must deepen our oneness with Christ. ...
to believe that he Is...
once in substance with the Father. 
Bl. Teresa of Calcutta

CCC 109-114 Scripture is a unity by reason of the unity of God's plan, of which Christ Jesus is the center and heart, open since his Passover. (CCC 112)

Hypocrisy: the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which ones own behavior does not conform; pretense.

The charge of hypocrisy is one of the devil's best weapons that he uses against me. So many times I stay away from spiritual reading or the Sacraments because I feel like such a hypocrite participating in those things because of my sinful behavior. That and I feel pricks of God when I do those things, pricks of conscience that bother me because oftentimes, I don't want to change my behavior.

But if I want to get to heaven, to be one with God, then I need to assent to the unity of the Church/Scripture/Tradition, to live in a way that says yes, I do believe this.

I just don't know if I'm up to it.

To Be Full of Oneself

So that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

of the kindness of the Lord the earth is full  ...
the eyes of the Lord are...upon those who hope for his kindness. (Psalm 33)

I have come to set the earth on fire, and how I wish it were already blazing. (Luke 12:49-53)

In his day, the activities of men were mindless of God, but Noah is not. (Fr. Vincent Nagle)

CCC 101-108 Christianity is the religion of the "Word" of God, a word which is "not a written and mute word, but the Word which is incarnate and living". (CCC 108)

 I have, on occasion, had the grace to be filled with the fire and fullness of God in my soul that it seems nothing can knock it down. Invariably, though, that happens. I think that it is very hard to sustain the fullness of God because the scorching fire of the fullness can be so all-consuming, especially if you're not prepared for it. Especially when the devil is trying to take you down.

It's much easier to be full of oneself, instead of full of God, because to be full of oneself and one's ideals doesn't bring the scorching fire that fullness of God brings.
    Yes, to be content with oneself isn't as much work, and sometimes less pain in this lifetime, but it's also doesn't bring as much fulfillment. There are pieces missing. There isn't as much joy.

You're Gonna Have a Bad Time

....this grace was given...to bring to light for all what is the plan of the mystery hidden from ages past in God who created all things, so that the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known through the Church to the principalities and authorities in the heavens. (Ephesians 3:2-12)

That servant who knew his master's will but did not make preparations nor act in accord with his will shall be beaten severely; and the servant who was ignorant of his master's will but acted in a way deserving of a severe beating shall be beaten only lightly. (Luke 12:39-48)

We can no more take apart pieces from our faith as we could take apart a number puzzle, and still have it make sense. (Fr. James M. Sullivan)

To continue from the last post - am I prepared right now, on my journey? No, not this moment (or the past few months). Should I be? Of course - I've been given the wisdom and grace to understand (through Church, Scripture, and Tradition), but I'm trying to live my faith with pieces missing - and that just isn't going to work.

I noticed that there's a part missing in the Gospel that I thought was there: the part where it says "well, if you have a really good excuse, then it's okay" or "if you had good intentions, then let's not worry about it".

Nope, it's pretty harsh: if you know God's will - through the Church, Tradition, and Scripture - and do not make preparations (through the Sacraments) nor act in accord of God's will, you're going to have a bad time. Is that a severe enough thought to wake me up from my stupor?

Journeying in the Darkness

Source

You were...alienated from the community...and strangers. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have become near by the Blood of Christ. ..You are fellow citizens,... being built together into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:12-22)

Light your lamps...ready to open immediately when he comes and knocks. (Luke 12:35-38)

Despite the darkness of sin, Enoch has faith. (Fr. Joseph T. Lienhard)

CCC 88-95 There is an organic connection between our spiritual life and the dogmas. Dogmas are lights along the path of faith; they illuminate it and make it secure. Conversely, if our life is upright, our intellect and heart will be open to welcome the light shed by the dogmas of faith. (CCC 89)

When I was a kid, I loved to travel at night - not just going on errands, but leaving in the middle of the night to go on a road trip. Not only was everything so silent and dark, but hearing the low murmurs of my parents while one of them was driving was comforting. One thing I found absolutely fascinating was laying on the floor dozing, and watching the play of the interstate lights come over me: barely light, glowing light, dim light, dark. I especially loved it when we were crossing a bridge, because the play of light was so fast. Then, the car and everyone would be plunged back into darkness.

This memory came back to me with today's readings. I thought about how when we are separated from the community, we are in darkness. I thought about how the Church and our community of faith is like those touchstones of light, especially over a bridge - they're so closely connected that there is barely a sliver of darkness before another light begins. I thought about the fact that just because there is darkness is no reason to doubt the existence of light. It might be a long while before we come upon the light of faith & community, but it still exists. And just because the light is afar off is no reason not to be prepared to journey.

Leaving It Behind

Calling of Saint Matthew by Caravaggio

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of the great love he had for us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, brought us to life with Christ...that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. ... it is the gift of God. (Ephesians 2:1-10)

...the things you have prepared, to whom will they belong? (Luke 12:13-21)

I have left everything
to know the face behind
the higher hand,
to know the heart of God
that reaches like a man.
(Rita A. Simmonds)

CCC 80-87 "The task of giving an authentic interpretation of the Word of God, whether in its written form or in the form of Tradition,  has been entrusted to the living teaching office of the Church alone. Its authority in this matter is exercised in the name of Jesus Christ." This means that the task of interpretation has been entrusted to the bishops in communion with the successor of Peter, the Bishop of Rome. (CCC 85)

I know that we have all heard (at least once in our lifetimes, if not more), a homily/sermon on where our riches lie and what do we treasure in this life? Sometimes I go to Mass and upon hearing the readings, could practically give the homily myself if the priest were to suddenly pass out (not that I would, lol). My point is that too often, we don't go deeper when it comes to some Biblical passages, because we've heard the same thing over and over. The Word has lost its power to influence us. No, that's not it. The Word still has the power to move, but we've simply tuned it out.

I'm not going to try to move you, dear reader. I just want to tell you what has moved me. What has moved me is the thought of leaving everything I have prepared/worked for/learned behind so that I may submit to an authority greater than I - an authority that is so rich in mercy and grace. But I am so blinded by my own preparations/knowledge that I am scared to submit to God. To leave behind all that I worked for, including my knowledge, and follow where God leads is scary. And it's not just a matter of leaving behind but a matter of who all that I am belongs to, to let God decide how I should use that knowledge, those preparations. It is a gift from God, but I'm simply too blind to see it (most of the time). His gift to us is to ask for our all, so that He may give us life, to call us beyond ourselves, to ask for it all so that I may be a better version of myself.

That Political Post (UPDATED)

I've been thinking a lot, about this election season. I've been doing a lot of reading, and thinking. I'm slowing coming to a decision that I'm not interested in voting for either Romney/Ryan or President Obama/V.P. Biden. I'm not interested in participating in either party that condones drone strikes, that says "we're pro-life except", that supports the use of torture, that isn't interested in the "uns" (as Cardinal Dolan put it). I definitely don't want President Obama to gain a second term. But I cannot keep voting for the Republican party that doesn't do anything about what I care about. I do not have a problem with those who are voting for Romney because they think it will limit evil, but I don't want to vote for someone who says that it is still acceptable to kill certain babies because of how they were conceived. This is my vote, here. It has an effect on me. I don't want to vote for the lesser evil. I won't be abstaining from this election (mostly because local politics is still important), and I'm still struggling. Helpful comments are welcome.

It's the Big Election Super Fun Pak by Mark Shea
On Voting My Conscience by Susan
Romney, Abortion, and Health of the Mother by Phil Lawler
 Party Animus by The American Conservative

Updated: Helpful post on phatmass.com about Romney's "pro-life" record. It's a good read, from someone I respect.  (The first post is the post I'm talking about.)

Just keep trying, just keep trying

crush him in infirmity...gives his life...of his affliction...through his suffering...he shall see his descendants in a long life and the will of the Lord shall be accomplished through him.  (Isaiah 53:10-11)

Our soul waits for the Lord. (Psalm 33)

Let us hold fast to our confession. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

But it shall not be so among you. (Mark 10:35-45)

Love seeks understanding. It wishes to know ever better the one whom it loves. ... Christian faith can say of itself, I have found love. ... Real love of neighbor also desires to give him the deepest thing man needs, namely, knowledge and truth. (Pope Benedict XVI)

CCC 74-77 God "desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth": that is, of Christ Jesus. Christ must be proclaimed to all nations and individuals, so that this revelation may reach to the ends of the earth:
      "God graciously arranged that the things he had once revealed for the salvation of all peoples should remain in their entirety, throughout the ages, and be transmitted to all generations." (DV 7; cf 2 Cor 1:20; 3:16-4:6)

You know, I'm so glad that Jesus found disciples that were thick in the head, because it gives me hope that if they who had Jesus speaking to them and still didn't get it, then there is definitely hope for me.
     I mean, two chapters before this Gospel Jesus was telling them to deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow him. And now, the Apostles want Jesus to do their will, instead of doing the will of God. They're looking for honor, prestige, status; Jesus tells them: "it shall not be so among you."

I want honor, prestige and status. I want to be honored for what I do. I don't want to love as I should. But in today's reading, we're told not only how to love, but how to be a disciple of Christ.
     To allow God to work through me to save souls & have souls come to the knowledge of truth, I must be willing to serve, to be a slave of love; to hold fast to our confession - not allowing the illusions of grandeur knock me off track; to keep my eyes on love and wait for the Lord; and yes, to suffer and through my example of sufferings, inspire those who come after me in faith.

Faith ~ love ~ knowledge ~ suffering ~ truth

I'm glad that I have the disciples as my examples, because though they were thick, though they ran away, they kept trying, until their deaths. May I have the courage to do the same.

Sunday Feast

Audience from October 17, 2012

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Today’s Audience introduces a new series of catecheses meant to accompany the Church’s celebration of the Year of Faith, which marks the fiftieth anniversary of the opening of the Second Vatican Council. The Year of Faith invites us to renewed enthusiasm for the gift of our belief in Jesus Christ. Jesus, the Son of God, shows us the ultimate meaning of our human existence. Faith transforms our lives, enabling us to know and love the God who created us, to live freely in accordance with his will, and to cooperate in building a truly humane and fraternal society. Our catecheses will thus deal with the central truths of the faith as expressed in the words of the Apostles’ Creed. May the Year of Faith lead all believers to a fuller knowledge of the mystery of Christ and a deeper participation in the life of his Body, the Church!

The Day I Almost Died

May the eyes of your hearts be enlightened, that you may know what is the hope that belongs to his call. (Ephesians 1:15-23)

At a deeper level in the heart, God is heard. (Fr. Lawrence J. Donohoo)

CCC 68-73 By love, God has revealed himself and given himself to man. (CCC 68) 

I wrote a couple of months ago about my impending birthday and being scared I wouldn't live through it:

But now, with two beautiful kids on earth, two in heaven, and a husband who is my rock, I'm terrified that this is it. Terrified of leaving them. Terrified of death. Terrified of the beyond.

Since I'd always had a feeling I would die before my 33rd year was up, my 34th birthday caused a lot of extreme anxiety and sheer panic.

That day, after writing that blog entry, I let my husband read it. Part of his response: "Why didn't you ever tell me?" The smart ass in me replied, "Well how do you drop that bombshell - hey honey I've always had a feeling I'd die young - surprise?" No no no.

The end of that day was uneventful: quiet time with the kids, getting ready for bed, finally bedtime. My husband headed for bed shortly thereafter, and I stayed up. My mind wouldn't shut down. After hours of meandering aimlessly on the internet, I had an idea. If this was to be my last night on earth, then I would write a short note to each of my kids telling them how much they meant to me. I wrote each of them, telling them how proud I was of them, what I loved about each of them, and how much I loved them.
     Afterwards, I decided to go in to them, kiss them tearfully good-bye. I practically sobbed as I beheld their sweet sleeping faces, knowing that I would never wake to see them again.

I finally climbed into bed, so emotionally and physically exhausted by this point, but knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep. I woke my husband with my crying, and I held him as he held me, telling him how much I loved him, how sorry I was for all the times I hurt him, wishing that I had more time with him.
     At last I fell into a fitful sleep - with very strange dreams. Then....I awoke, with the sun shining in and hearing the sounds of my family. I couldn't begin to tell you how sweet these sounds were to my ears. I could not believe that I was alive. Such a wave of relief came crashing down on me that I honestly think the rest of that day was spent in a dazed autopilot state.

All I had hoped for had come true - my children, my husband, my family - I was still here to enjoy them, to love them. Yet as the days went by, it seemed I was trying to shove the experience into some dark corner of my head so I didn't have to think about it, or process it, or feel all those emotions.
     So I went back to being that unhappy, grumpy person that I was before. I started a slide into sin that I'm still trying to get out of. Why did I backslide instead of cherishing each extra moment I'd been given? I don't honestly know. Perhaps I couldn't handle it. Perhaps I was ready to "check out".

But perhaps the reason that I shied away from what I was feeling is because my heart was so open, so full of love, that I glimpsed a part of the eternal life and love of God. For a moment, the eyes of my heart were enlightened and I heard God. And that is an overwhelming, scary experience.

I'm still trying to process and figure out what my lessons from this are, and figure out what I'm supposed to do with them. But it'll be easier now that I'm not actively running away.

New to me blogs

Via the "Where are you from" thread over at flocknote's Catechism a Day:

Theological-Librarian

Harvesting the Fruits of Contemplation

Wounded Faithful

Theology in Brief

The Catholic Wife

Ranting Catholic Mom - hey I like the sound of her already!!

A Star of Hope

Agapas Me

Catholic Family Vignettes

How about you all out there? What new blogs are you reading?

Extravagant Love/Blessed Be

 

So that we might exist for the praise of his glory. (Ephesians 1:11-14)

Even the hairs on your head have all been counted. (Luke 12:1-7)

I believe we must render most reverent homage to him who created us and stilled the sea and told the winds to be calm, and multiplied the loaves and fishes. (Dorothy Day)

CCC 62-67 After the patriarchs, God formed Israel as his people by freeing them from slavery in Egypt. He established with them the covenant of Mount Sinai and, through Moses, gave them his law so that they would recognize him and serve him as the one living and true God, the provident Father and just judge, and so that they would look for the promised Savior.  (CCC 62)

Outside of Mass, I can't think of a time lately where I simply praise God; where I'm not asking for anything or begging forgiveness, but where I simply adore and praise Him.

Every part of me, down to the very last cell, is made to praise Him, to praise His glory.

He is mighty and awesome (in the truest sense of the word), and what He has created and done in our lives deserves thanks and praise.

How can I praise Him every day?

No Perfect Community

(Readings from October 18, Feast of St. Luke)

The Lord will repay him according to his deeds. You too be on guard against him. (2 Timothy 4:10-17b)

The Lord is just in all his ways. (Psalm 145)

Behold, I am sending you like lambs among wolves. (Luke 10:1-9)

Chesterton also observed that the problem with the world is not that it is unreasonable, rather that it is "nearly reasonable, but not quite." (Heather King)

CCC 54-61 This state of division into many nations is at once cosmic, social, and religious. It is intended to limit the pride of fallen humanity united only in its peverse ambition to forge its own unity as at Babel. (CCC 57)

As part of my ladies Bible study this year, we are reading Wrapped Up: God's Ten Gifts for Women. This week's chapter was on forgiveness and while reading it (and discussing it), I wondered why it seems like in an argument with someone (or a mutually hurtful situation), I'm usually the one who apologizes first. It makes me feel weak.

But in reflecting on today's readings, I guess I thought about the fact that lambs are gentle, weak in some ways, but that I should take comfort in knowing that the Lord takes care of his own. This doesn't mean that I shouldn't be on guard against the behavior of unscrupulous people; but rather we should still strive to be open to them and strive to bring them into unity with God.

I have a tendency, after dealing with unsavory/nasty behavior, to want to shun the person who has acted in such a way. After all, it seems perfectly reasonable to do so, right? But it isn't. It is peverse to build our own unity apart from God, to try to build a perfect community without him.

Forgiveness is something that I struggle greatly with - both in giving and receiving; but it is something with which most people struggle. After all, it's not reasonable. But how can I overcome the tendency to hold a grudge, to shun, to push away?

Soaking It In

(Readings from October 17)

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their flesh with its passion and desires. (Galatians 5:18-25)

[The blessed man is he who] delights in the law of the Lord and meditates on his law day and night. ... He is like a tree planted near running water. (Psalm 1)

You pay no attention to judgment and to love for God. These you should have done, without overlooking the others. (Luke 11:42-46)

But precisely because faith allows us to know God personally in a relationship of trust, faith is a dangerous gift. Everything depends on whether or not the gift of faith is accepted. "I believe it" becomes "I believe you". Saying "Yes" to the offer says "Yes" to the offered friendship. On the other hand, saying "No" to the offer says "No" to the offered friendship. (Fr. John Dominic Corbett)

CCC 50-53 God, who "dwells in unapproachable light", wants to communicate his own divine life to the men he freely created, in order to adopt them as his sons in his only-begotten Son. By revealing himself God wishes to make them capable of responding to him, and of knowing him and of loving him far beyond their own natural capacity. (CCC 52)

Perhaps where I've gone astray in my faith life is because I have not made the time to read and study things that will help my faith. I've not let the word of God soak into my soul; so consequently, I have cleaved too much to the rules, and not enough to love of others and remembered that I will be judged on my actions and non-actions.

I think part of the reason I shy away from soaking in the word of God is that introspection of self is hard - and dangerous, because it often requires more from me than I think I'm ready for. It usually requires changed from how I've been living my life, and if it doesn't it's usually because my reading of the text is too surface and not deep.

For example, I've put off my reading for the past two days because I know that one, it takes time; two, it takes energy; three, it makes me be a little less selfish.

I do want to say yes to faith, but no to the work. Unfortunately, faith doesn't work that way.

Political Procrastinating

I'm procrastinating ruminating on today's readings by looking at political memes and funnies.

Filling the Framework

For freedom Christ set us free. ... only faith working through love [counts for anything]. (Galatians 5:1-6)

Although you cleanse the outside of the cup and the dish, inside you are filled with plunder and evil. (Luke 11:37-41)

Faith entails the shift from dependence on the visible and practicable to trust in the invisible. (Fr. Peter John Cameron)

CCC 44-49 Man is made to live in communion with God in whom he finds happiness: When I am completely united to you, there will be no more sorrow or trials; entirely full of you, my life will be complete. (St. Augustine, Conf. 10, 28, 39: PL 32, 795) (CCC 45)

A couple of postings ago, I talked about it being seemingly easy to follow the law, but also easy to fall into the trap of legalism; not just legalism in my dealings with others but legalism in dealing with myself, which only leads to demoralizing of my spiritual life - for the outside is clean but the inside is filthy.

We were set free from the law, right? Yes, the law is the framework, but the framework must be filled, yes? Filled with love, else I become too rigid and easily broken. But in a way, I think of myself as soft & weak if I "just" love. In reality, though, it is much harder to love myself and love others instead of rigidly holding them (and myself) up to the law.

To love is to consistently think the best of another and their intentions. To love is to see my own faults first and work on them instead of deflecting attention to another's faults. To love is to stand afar off and say, "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner" instead of saying, "Thank you, Lord, that I am not like the rest of these sinners." To love is to strive to uphold the Faith, yet still love myself when I fall, because I am loved by Him who calls to my heart.

To love is to be united, to be whole in faith and law, mind and heart. Perhaps that's what gives those saints such an edge - because they were able to be united, to be in such union with God while on this earth, day in and day out.

Unfortunately in my own life, I have no such consistency. (One has only to look at the track record of this blog for proof of that!) Too often I drift - claiming/choosing neither evil nor good but instead floating along in between, believing either end to be too much work. No wonder Christ wanted to spit the lukewarm out - they have no real desire for anything, much less Him!
     How did the saints do it? How did they have such passion for Christ & the Church?

Children Point the Way to Perfection

We are children not of the slave woman, but of the freeborn woman. (Galatians 4:31)

...there is no other god besides the Lord our God. Why then do we set up anything in place of him? (Fr. James Sullivan)

CCC 36-43 All creatures bear a certain resemblance to God, most especially man, created in the image and likeness of God. The manifold perfections of creatures - their truth, their goodness, their beauty all reflect the infinite perfection of God. Consequently we can name God by taking his creatures perfections as our starting point, "for from the greatness and beauty of created thingss comes a corresponding perception of their Creator." (CCC 41

Today is pregnancy & infant loss (PAIL) remembrance day - a day to break the silence of PAIL in our lives and in our communities. Too many times in our society, PAIL is discounted, and we are ashamed of our grief. We are told that we can have another baby, that it was God's will, that it wasn't really a baby yet; in short, we are told to get over it.

Why does it hurt so much when our babies die? Part of it, from my own experience, is that this baby was someone my husband and I created together - a brand new being with all the potentials that come with new life. The other part is that what else shows the greatness & beauty of the Creator than a brand new baby? Much like the epitome of a beautiful sunrise, or new life in the spring, scenes from nature that literally steal your breath away, and you think "My, God is great and beautiful and true" - new babies can be like that. All the goodness, purity, innocence, and beauty of God, wrapped up in this little bundle. When that little bundle of God is taken away, it's no wonder we feel so bereft. All of our hopes and dreams of a future have been cruelly taken.

Yet, we can't focus on setting up our child/ren in place of God. We need to allow ourselves to let our child/ren and the beauty & goodness of them to point the way towards God and His beauty, His Truth, His Perfection.

Related: Grief, Contrition, and Love

Feel Like Ash

(I'm still catching up. Readings are from yesterday, October 14.)

Yet all good things together came to me in her company. (Wisdom 7:7-11)

Everything is naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must render an account. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

You are lacking in one thing. ... He went away sad, for he had many possessions. ... For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God. (Mark 10:17-30)

CCC 26-35
"Let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice." Although man can forget God or reject Him, He never ceases to call every man to seek him, so as to find life and happiness. But this search for God demands of man every effort of intellect, a sound will, 'an upright heart', as well as the witness of others who teach him to seek God. (CCC 30)

We too make Christ wonder in gladness by expecting of him much more than we deserve: "Lord I am not worthy, but only say the word..." (Fr. J. Anthony Giambrone)

Giving up or giving away the things that I treasure - even thinking about doing so - makes me feel anxious, like I've been stripped bare, fileted to the bone. I expect that if I give up the things that I treasure that I will have nothing, that I will be destitute.

I think for each person, the one thing they lack, will be different. The thing that they are asked to give up will be different. Our attachments are as unique as our DNA. 

And yet - my heart still hears God's call. My heart still yearns for His good gifts. Do I dare to astound him by asking for more than I deserve - forgiveness of my sins? Do I dare ask him for heavenly union with Him? Some days I fear that my attachments to my sins are just insurmountable. Yet the irony is that if I turn even a little towards God, my "treasures" begin to taste like ash in my mouth, yet I do not yet have the ambrosia of doing God's will. I feel stuck.

Black & White

(I'm a couple of days behind, bear with me as I catch up. These are readings from October 13.)

Scripture confined all things under the power of sin, ... The law was our disciplinarian for Christ, ... For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. (Galatians 3:22-29

Blessed are those who hear the word of God and observe it. (Luke 11:28)

The Catechism emphasizes the exposition of doctrine. It seeks to help deepen understanding of the faith. In this way it is oriented towards the maturing of that faith, its putting down roots in personal life, and its shining forth in personal conduct. (CCC 18-25)

For you alone can give
What one cannot demand from oneself.
(Lt. Andre Zirnheld)

Do you ever say a word over & over again and it starts to sound wrong? Like "was" or "and" or another common word? Or even spell a word over and over and you start second guessing that you're spelling it the correct way?

Sometimes that's how it is with me and following "the rules" of being a Catholic Christian. Sometimes I hear the rules so often that I start to question if I heard right, or I question if the rules make sense. For me, I think, this is when black & white rules with no wiggle room are "easy" for me to follow, but at the same time, disheartening. It seems easy to follow the law, but it is also easy to fall into the trap of legalism instead of love.

To love and follow the spirit & letter of the law, to observe & to mature in the faith - I suppose it is a life-long journey. But when you don't know where to start, and you're having trouble finding your way, with no good guides in real life, what do you do?

Sunday Feast

General Audience of Pope Benedict XVI
October 10, 2012

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Today marks the eve of the fiftieth anniversary of the opening of the Second Vatican Council. I remember well the enthusiasm, the hope and the joy, not only of the bishops, but of the whole Church during that period. As we begin tomorrow the Year of Faith, it is more necessary than ever to return to the documents of this great Council, which was convoked, in the words of Blessed John the twenty-third, to proclaim the truths of the faith in a “renewed” way, all the while keeping intact their perennial content. Our own era, which has forgotten God, needs to be reminded of the profound message of the Council, that Christianity consists of faith in the triune God and in a personal and communal encounter with Christ who orients and gives meaning to life. Everything else flows from this. As in the time of the Council, may we in our time recognize with clarity that God is present, he is watching over us, he responds to us, and that when man forgets God, he forgets what is essential to his own human dignity. The fiftieth anniversary of the Council thus reminds us that the Church, in all its members, has the task of transmitting the message of God’s love which saves and which leads us to eternal beatitude.

Homily of the Holy Mass for the opening of the Year of Faith
October 11, 2012

Dear Brother Bishops,
Dear brothers and sisters!

Today, fifty years from the opening of the Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, we begin with great joy the Year of Faith. I am delighted to greet all of you, particularly His Holiness Bartholomaois I, Patriarch of Constantinople, and His Grace Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury. A special greeting goes to the Patriarchs and Major Archbishops of the Eastern Catholic Churches, and to the Presidents of the Bishops’ Conferences. In order to evoke the Council, which some present had the grace to experience for themselves - and I greet them with particular affection - this celebration has been enriched by several special signs: the opening procession, intended to recall the memorable one of the Council Fathers when they entered this Basilica; the enthronement of the Book of the Gospels with the same book that was used at the Council; the consignment of the seven final Messages of the Council, and of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which I will do before the final blessing. These signs help us not only to remember, they also offer us the possibility of going beyond commemorating. They invite us to enter more deeply into the spiritual movement which characterized Vatican II, to make it ours and to develop it according to its true meaning. And its true meaning was and remains faith in Christ, the apostolic faith, animated by the inner desire to communicate Christ to individuals and all people, in the Church’s pilgrimage along the pathways of history.

The Year of Faith which we launch today is linked harmoniously with the Church’s whole path over the last fifty years: from the Council, through the Magisterium of the Servant of God Paul VI, who proclaimed a Year of Faith in 1967, up to the Great Jubilee of the year 2000, with which Blessed John Paul II re-proposed to all humanity Jesus Christ as the one Saviour, yesterday, today and forever. Between these two Popes, Paul VI and John Paul II, there was a deep and complete convergence, precisely upon Christ as the centre of the cosmos and of history, and upon the apostolic eagerness to announce him to the world. Jesus is the centre of the Christian faith. The Christian believes in God whose face was revealed by Jesus Christ. He is the fulfilment of the Scriptures and their definitive interpreter. Jesus Christ is not only the object of the faith but, as it says in the Letter to the Hebrews, he is “the pioneer and the perfecter of our faith” (12:2).

Today’s Gospel tells us that Jesus Christ, consecrated by the Father in the Holy Spirit, is the true and perennial subject of evangelization. “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor” (Lk 4:18). This mission of Christ, this movement of his continues in space and time, over centuries and continents. It is a movement which starts with the Father and, in the power of the Spirit, goes forth to bring the good news to the poor, in both a material and a spiritual sense. The Church is the first and necessary instrument of this work of Christ because it is united to him as a body to its head. “As the Father has sent me, even so I send you” (Jn 20:21), says the Risen One to his disciples, and breathing upon them, adds, “Receive the Holy Spirit” (v.22). Through Christ, God is the principal subject of evangelization in the world; but Christ himself wished to pass on his own mission to the Church; he did so, and continues to do so, until the end of time pouring out his Spirit upon the disciples, the same Spirit who came upon him and remained in him during all his earthly life, giving him the strength “to proclaim release to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed” and “to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord” (Lk 4:18-19).

The Second Vatican Council did not wish to deal with the theme of faith in one specific document. It was, however, animated by a desire, as it were, to immerse itself anew in the Christian mystery so as to re-propose it fruitfully to contemporary man. The Servant of God Paul VI, two years after the end of the Council session, expressed it in this way: “Even if the Council does not deal expressly with the faith, it talks about it on every page, it recognizes its vital and supernatural character, it assumes it to be whole and strong, and it builds upon its teachings. We need only recall some of the Council’s statements in order to realize the essential importance that the Council, consistent with the doctrinal tradition of the Church, attributes to the faith, the true faith, which has Christ for its source and the Church’s Magisterium for its channel” (General Audience, 8 March 1967). Thus said Paul VI in 1967.

We now turn to the one who convoked the Second Vatican Council and inaugurated it: Blessed John XXIII. In his opening speech, he presented the principal purpose of the Council in this way: “What above all concerns the Ecumenical Council is this: that the sacred deposit of Christian doctrine be safeguarded and taught more effectively […] Therefore, the principal purpose of this Council is not the discussion of this or that doctrinal theme… a Council is not required for that… [but] this certain and immutable doctrine, which is to be faithfully respected, needs to be explored and presented in a way which responds to the needs of our time” (AAS 54 [1962], 790,791-792). So said Pope John at the inauguration of the Council.

In the light of these words, we can understand what I myself felt at the time: during the Council there was an emotional tension as we faced the common task of making the truth and beauty of the faith shine out in our time, without sacrificing it to the demands of the present or leaving it tied to the past: the eternal presence of God resounds in the faith, transcending time, yet it can only be welcomed by us in our own unrepeatable today. Therefore I believe that the most important thing, especially on such a significant occasion as this, is to revive in the whole Church that positive tension, that yearning to announce Christ again to contemporary man. But, so that this interior thrust towards the new evangelization neither remain just an idea nor be lost in confusion, it needs to be built on a concrete and precise basis, and this basis is the documents of the Second Vatican Council, the place where it found expression. This is why I have often insisted on the need to return, as it were, to the “letter” of the Council – that is to its texts – also to draw from them its authentic spirit, and why I have repeated that the true legacy of Vatican II is to be found in them. Reference to the documents saves us from extremes of anachronistic nostalgia and running too far ahead, and allows what is new to be welcomed in a context of continuity. The Council did not formulate anything new in matters of faith, nor did it wish to replace what was ancient. Rather, it concerned itself with seeing that the same faith might continue to be lived in the present day, that it might remain a living faith in a world of change.

If we place ourselves in harmony with the authentic approach which Blessed John XXIII wished to give to Vatican II, we will be able to realize it during this Year of Faith, following the same path of the Church as she continuously endeavours to deepen the deposit of faith entrusted to her by Christ. The Council Fathers wished to present the faith in a meaningful way; and if they opened themselves trustingly to dialogue with the modern world it is because they were certain of their faith, of the solid rock on which they stood. In the years following, however, many embraced uncritically the dominant mentality, placing in doubt the very foundations of the deposit of faith, which they sadly no longer felt able to accept as truths. 

If today the Church proposes a new Year of Faith and a new evangelization, it is not to honour an anniversary, but because there is more need of it, even more than there was fifty years ago! And the reply to be given to this need is the one desired by the Popes, by the Council Fathers and contained in its documents. Even the initiative to create a Pontifical Council for the promotion of the new evangelization, which I thank for its special effort for the Year of Faith, is to be understood in this context. Recent decades have seen the advance of a spiritual “desertification”. In the Council’s time it was already possible from a few tragic pages of history to know what a life or a world without God looked like, but now we see it every day around us. This void has spread. But it is in starting from the experience of this desert, from this void, that we can again discover the joy of believing, its vital importance for us, men and women. In the desert we rediscover the value of what is essential for living; thus in today’s world there are innumerable signs, often expressed implicitly or negatively, of the thirst for God, for the ultimate meaning of life. And in the desert people of faith are needed who, with their own lives, point out the way to the Promised Land and keep hope alive. Living faith opens the heart to the grace of God which frees us from pessimism. Today, more than ever, evangelizing means witnessing to the new life, transformed by God, and thus showing the path. The first reading spoke to us of the wisdom of the wayfarer (cf. Sir 34:9-13): the journey is a metaphor for life, and the wise wayfarer is one who has learned the art of living, and can share it with his brethren – as happens to pilgrims along the Way of Saint James or similar routes which, not by chance, have again become popular in recent years. How come so many people today feel the need to make these journeys? Is it not because they find there, or at least intuit, the meaning of our existence in the world? This, then, is how we can picture the Year of Faith, a pilgrimage in the deserts of today’s world, taking with us only what is necessary: neither staff, nor bag, nor bread, nor money, nor two tunics – as the Lord said to those he was sending out on mission (cf. Lk 9:3), but the Gospel and the faith of the Church, of which the Council documents are a luminous expression, as is the Catechism of the Catholic Church, published twenty years ago.

Venerable and dear Brothers, 11 October 1962 was the Feast of Mary Most Holy, Mother of God. Let us entrust to her the Year of Faith, as I did last week when I went on pilgrimage to Loreto. May the Virgin Mary always shine out as a star along the way of the new evangelization. May she help us to put into practice the Apostle Paul’s exhortation, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teach and admonish one another in all wisdom […] And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col 3:16-17). Amen. 

Disconnected

"It is those who have faith who are children of Abraham." (Galatians 3:7)
"If Satan is divided against himself, how will his kingdom stand? ... Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." (Luke 11:15-26)

"The function of faith is not to reduce mystery to rational clarity, but to integrate the unknown and the known together in a living whole, in which we are more and more able to transcend the limitations of our external self." (Thomas Merton)

"This catechism aims at presenting an organic synthesis of the essential and fundamental contents of Catholic doctrine, as regards both faith and morals, in light of the Second Vatican Council and the whole of the Church's Tradition." (Catechism of the Catholic Church 11)

Have you ever been listening to a live concert or recital and someone played the wrong note, and not just the wrong note but such a discordant note that your ears protest, your teeth are set on edge, and you get a shiver throughout your whole body? I have, and it's very unpleasant.

My point in bringing it up, is that I feel like for the past few months, that my faith and my life have been playing discordant notes. There is a disconnect between what the Faith is, and my every day life, and it's affected my whole being. My mind, on one hand, recognizes the reason of the Faith, but argues with the Church with things I don't understand and will not assent. My heart, on the other hand,  yearns for the Faith and Jesus and the Eucharist, yet pulls away from the intimacy. No wonder I feel so disconnected.

I know that intellectually, and within my heart, that unity with Jesus, with the Church, is where I belong. But I'm scared. Scared of the work, scared of having to change, scared of what's required. And not completely sure I'm ready.

Stupidity

The readings of today (Galatians 3:1-5; Luke 11:5-13) are a pretty appropriate way for me to start the Year of Faith; especially St. Paul asking the Galatians, "Are you stupid? Who has bewitched you?"

I suppose I have been bewitched, in a way, by the one who wants to keep me away from Christ. Bewitched to be apathetic, to stay in my sin, to find nothing wrong in my sins. I gave up being persistent to God - I gave up asking, seeking, knocking. I gave up the blog, because it reminded me of all I should be doing but wasn't. I gave up the Sacraments. But there is obviously still a spark of something that calls me deeper - that calls me from the surface and into the deep. I am hopeful that this Year of Faith can be a boon to my faith life, to trust simply, as Adam did, in God and in where He calls me to be.

Read the Catechism - Day One, CCC 1-10
"For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws us close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength."