As my birthday fast approaches, I must admit to being more than a little apprehensive. I've had nervous butterflies in my stomach since earlier this spring - more than 6 months before my 34th birthday. (I'm not one of those women who think it's necessary to hide or lie about my age. Who gives a flip?)
Yes, I'm nervous about being another year older, but not in the way you'd think.
I honestly never thought I would live past 33.
I've never had cancer, or a health condition that would limit my life expectancy. I've never been a "risk-taker" who skydives or plays extreme sports. Though I'm not particularly graceful, I've never been super accident-prone. I've never broken a bone, or had major surgery.
So what's the problem?
This isn't a feeling that came on after my mom's death, but rather an intuition, a feeling that I've had since my teen years. A feeling that I would die relatively young. For years, it's been in the back of my brain, counting down the time left until the year 33 was here and gone. For every stupid thing I've ever done, for all the dumb decisions I've made in my life, I've thought, "Oh well, it's not like I've got a lot of time left anyway."
But now, with two beautiful kids on earth, two in heaven, and a husband who is my rock, I'm terrified that this is it. Terrified of leaving them. Terrified of death. Terrified of the beyond.
Because as much as I've had this feeling more than half my life, you'd think that I'd be taking better care of myself spiritually. You'd be wrong. My spiritual life hasn't been in this bad of shape for quite some time. I've been so apathetic lately, so twisted and turned around, that I haven't been able to pray or go to Confession.
This isn't too surprising. I've wavered from scrupulous about my spiritual life to terribly apathetic since my reversion. I just can't seem to let go of anxieties and worries when it comes to my spiritual life, which tends to drag me down. I can literally leave confession and feel "clean" for a whole 10 minutes, then walk out of the church and feel anxiety all over again.
Hubster keeps joking that I'm going to have a stroke before I'm 40, but I don't know how much of a "joke" it is. He said something to me last night that I've been thinking about, something to the effect of, "It seems like you won't let yourself be happy." I didn't know how to answer him.
I am constantly worried, tightly wound person. I always have been, and it seems like it is only getting worse with age. I don't want to be pushing people away with my negativity or anxiety. I don't know if it's connected to my feelings of dying young, or what. I wouldn't even know where to begin being happy. It's not just a matter of relaxing, but an interior change that I don't know how to make or if I even want to.
Please pray for me, for peace of mind, for happiness, and for long life.