If this is your first time reading about this series, please read the first post.
(This is from Adoration on the 30th.)
I had been to Confession two days before, and was really struggling with how to persevere in faith, and in my prayers. feeling spiritually sodden and weighed down. I had literally been scared straight a few nights before at Bible study, because of Romans 3 and our discussion centering around the two judgments that everyone will face and that everyone will have all their sins proclaimed before everyone else. I literally had the fear of hell put into me during that discussion and had so gone to Confession.
God desires my beauty - he desires to root out all that is ugly in me - which is to say all sin - and make me beautiful in His sight.
Re: The Gospel reading (Luke 10:13-16)
How many mighty deeds does God do in my midst and I do not repent. I will not be exalted in heaven if I do not repent. But listen to the Gospels, listen to the saints, the Pope & the bishops and I will be listening to Jesus. I reject them at my own peril.
If you want to avoid hell, listen to Jesus' words, and listen to the apostles (then and now). Listen and repent.
For some reason, I was thinking of my guardian angel, and thinking of the spiritual battle that he wages on my behalf. I hesitate to call what came to mind 'visions' as perhaps it was just my over-active imagination at work; regardless, what I saw/envisioned/imagined was a great battle that is invisible to the human eye but nonetheless is epic.
If you only knew the realm that is all around you. If only you knew the battle that rages. If you only caught a glimpse of the divine love, your mind couldn't handle it. But it is there. Remember that when you feel your soul being sodden & wet, that just a bit of the Son's rays would dry you out and set you burning.
The battles rages intensely around anyone trying to live out their vocation and live God's will. You must be on guard, always, for temptations to sin; and not ignore your guardian angel when he prompts you to pray. He is trying to protect you.
If you could see the battle, oh how frightened you would be! Your fear would paralyze you! But do not fear! You have God on your side!
I need to relate something that happened shortly after writing this down. I was sitting in the pew, looking ahead but a little downward, when I saw the shadow of the pew (in front of me) change, just for a split-second, from a square shadow to what looked like a shadow of wings. It was so brief, that I thought perhaps it must have been my eyelashes sticking together, but I tried to recreate it and failed. I got a little freaked out then, and thought to myself, "If what I saw was either my guardian angel or a demon, and even just a little shadow, and I am so frightened....no wonder we are not allowed a glimpse of the spiritual battle for we would faint dead away at the sight!" It truly was a humbling experience, and I am trying to remember it when I feel the temptations to sin.
I should add that I have been reading a book that a friend gave me (The Way, Furrow, and The Forge by St. Josemaria Escriva), and that these passages tonight jumped out at me:
Even though at times you feel a deep distaste and you think you are only saying things with your lips, nevertheless keep up your acts of faith and hope and love. Don't fall asleep. Otherwise, when things are going fine, an ill wind will come and it will drag you off. (389, The Forge)
Would that you could acquire, as I know you would like to, the virtues of the donkey! Donkeys are humble, hard working, persevering -stubborn!- and faithful, with a sure step, tough and - if they have a good master - also grateful and obedient.
Continue thinking about the donkey's good qualities and notice how in order to do anything worthwhile, it has to allow itself to be ruled by the will of whoever is leading it... On its own the donkey would only... make an ass of itself. Probably the brightest thing that would occur to it would be to roll over on the ground, trot to the manger and start braying.
"Dear Jesus", you too should say to him, "ut iumentum factus sum apud te! - you have made me be your little donkey. Please don't leave me: et ego semper tecum! - and I will stay with you always. Lead me, tightly harnessed by your grace: Tenuisti manum dexteram meam...--you have led me by the halter; et in voluntate tua deduxisti me...--make me do your Will. And so I will love you for ever and ever --et cum gloria suscepisti me!" (380-381, The Forge)
You are full of concern because you do not love as you ought. Everything annoys you. And the enemy does all he can to make you show your bad temper.
I realise you must feel very humiliated. Precisely because of this you must take measure to react without delay. (392, The Forge)
What a pity if the one in charge doesn't give you good example! But is it only for his personal qualities that you obey? Or do you in your selfishness interpret St. Paul's "obedite praepositis vestris" -- "Obey your superiors" with an addition of your own: "Always provided they have virtues to my own taste?" (621, The Way)