So yesterday, I promised a story. Well here it is.
Once upon a time, a wife and husband lost their baby at 13 weeks gestation. The wife decided she would post a simple message on facebook, stating: "We have lost the baby. Please pray for us and respect our privacy at this time." She did this so that she did not have to have the same conversation 50 gajillion times, and deal with others' pain as well as her own grief. She also did this because the very next day, she was leaving to go to a Work Camp with 5 girls from her youth group.
Yes, that is me. Duh. I got chewed out by my sister yesterday because of what I did. She stated that she was so hurt because I obviously cared so little for her that I didn't call her directly and tell her; and that two of my other siblings were also hurt. (And in my opinion, if they felt/feel that way, they can act like adults act and call and talk to me directly - like she did, even if I disagree with her.)
So here's what I told her. I am sorry that she is hurt that I didn't tell her directly. But I will not (and am not going to) apologize for what I did. I will not apologize for being selfish and for dealing with my grief before I dealt with anyone else's grief and pain. I knew that I would have to have the same conversation with people at church, with people at youth ministry, with family, with friends. AND I DIDN'T WANT TO. I didn't want to deal with their pain, with their pity, with that look in their eyes. I didn't want to deal with the emotional fallout, and heartache from each conversation. So, yes. I took the 'easy' way out.
My sister insists that I should have called each sibling directly and talked to them, and listened to their platitudes and "I'm sorry"'s and listened to them cry.
Well, I'm calling bullshit on that. I truly am sorry that she is hurt - because she's my sister and I love her. But for her to ascribe motives that were never intended - that I purposefully slighted her - is hurtful to me too.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh?
I can see why you posted it the way you did. I don't think I'd want to call everyone in the family and tell them directly - seems like that would just hurt too much. Had it been me, I probably would've phoned my mother, just because she had 3 miscarriages and thus would know what to say/what not to say, but I doubt I'd have phoned my siblings, to be honest.
ReplyDeleteyeah, I told my parents, and my gramma, but that was pretty much it.
ReplyDeleteAnd considering that I have a lot of siblings, umm yah.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't tell everyone individually. I don't do that when I get pregnant, I wouldn't do it if I experienced a loss. In my family if that happens you tell Mom and Pops and they pass it along to the siblings for prayerful support. I agree with the way you did it.
ReplyDeleteI think my sister thinks by saying something on facebook, that it's a public thing (which it is). But by saying what I did, it ensured some measure of privacy, like the when, and the how, stayed private, something I still haven't shared with the majority of people I know.
ReplyDelete